Confessions of a Ryan

I wish my life meant more.

Am I alone in that?

Yes, its been a little while since I posted... okay, a long while. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is, I have now posted again, and those 4 people who might actually care (somewhat) can now satiate themselves on my inner workings. Lucky them?

Anyway, what is new with me? What has happened in this admittedly large time lapse since last I posted? Well... either very little, or a lot, depending on what one might consider worthy of public interest. In its own way, Texas became more appealing to me a few weeks ago. And, no, not for the Rockets. Texas is now one of my biggest destination points in the U.S. New York still holds the top spot, but that’s a given. New jersey is something I will probably go down to from New York whilst there. Well, theoretically. California is absolutely somewhere I desperately want to visit, and, now, Texas, too, holds a top spot. But, not for the reasons one might assume..

I was going to talk about Shannon a little bit, but rather than just dumping a bunch of info about her, I might just let it come at its own pace. Of course, to leave you with a name alone would be unfair, so let me say that she is a new friend of mine, and I like her a lot. We get along really well, and she seems tolerant of my... unique, shall we say, brand of humor.

Okay, so, onto things some might consider more serious; other people. How big a part do other people play in ones life? Of course, as a stand-alone question, that might seem a bit stupid. So while I will refrain from rephrasing, let me lend you some more information related to its source, so that you might join me in a journey to (attempt) an answer from it.

How much should someone let the opinions of others affect them? And furthermore, in which way should they allow these opinions to, if at all, change them? If a lot of people think bad things of you, does that make it true? Does majority rule by default? Or is it possible, and even very much recommendable, to take such things and use them as fuel to drive yourself onto loftier goals? Hm. I’ve kinda opened myself up to several avenues of discussion here, haven’t I? Okay, lets start back at the simplest, and go from there.

Is it wise or foolish to base your own self-perception on those of others? If everyone thinks one thing of you, but you disagree strongly, what do you do? Set yourself to proving them wrong, or stand back and wonder if they’re right? If a lot of people think one thing, must it be true? Too unspecific? Okay, allow me to let you all in a bit more. I know that a lot of people, often the ones who really don’t know me properly, seem to think... very little of me. People often write me off as a failure of sorts, and that assumption usually extends into the foreseeable future, as opposed to being a comment on current situations. And I have always dismissed these things because, in all honesty, I have known better all along. People seem to think that there is nothing more to me than what they might observe, which not only lends itself the (albeit incorrect) assumption that I am without any sort of depth, but more than that it leads them to terribly wrong assumptions about me which in turn have them writing me off as many things I am not.

Okay, for all our sakes I’m gonna stop right there. I was going to keep going, but I doubt anyone outside of me would have gained anything from it all being written out.

Okay, I’m just about done here for now, but I leave you with a couple things. First off, I know it has been an exceedingly long time since last I posted, and if anyone cares, I apologise. I really don’t think it will be anywhere near that again, but like I said at the start I’m not gonna start posting just for the sake of updating this.

Secondly, I have decided to implement a new little thing here. Again, its probably just arrogance that I think I can influence the "multitude" of readers I have, but nonetheless... From now on, at the end of each post, I will recommend something to people. Whether it be a movie or a song or website... anything. It wont always be new to everyone, but if I can get people onto new things which I believe to be worthwhile, I’m more than okay with it.

Okay, so, the pick for this post? Sigur Ros, an Icelandic band. They’re... hard to categorise musically, but its all so beautiful I would love for you all to hear some of it. I’m not expecting any of you to run out and buy CDs based off of this, but I will provide you with a couple links to (hopefully) get you started;

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/artist/-/digital-music/191547/103-6476502-8737442

Okay, that’s a link that actually provide two of their songs for free download. I implore you all to get them both and listen to them, but if you’re only willing to get one, make it the second track, Svefn g englar. But I really would like you to get both.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigur_ros

This second link is of much less importance than the music itself, obviously, but I would still like to offer it in case anyone might like to read more about the band.

Its true. You cant predict what you don't know. Take Life, for example. No one can predict what is to come. No one. Well, Nostradamus maybe, but come on; he's awesome. Don't worry, that was a joke. But I mean it, no one can even guess at what is coming their way.

Take me. Yeah, its been a while. Nearly, a month in fact. A lot has happened since then. Half of it I cant even begin to properly understand myself, let alone forming it into coherent passages for posting here on this blog. But, how about some highlights? I am turning 22 next tuesday, May 16th, and Im not really looking forward to it. I have found birthdays depressing for the last two or three years. Why? Because it marks another passed year, and when I look over my achievements, or rather lack thereof, for said year? I get a little depressed. Its not a huge thing, I doubt anyone could actually see it in me, but its certainly there.

In other news, I made a new friend. One of note, in fact: she's American. Yeah. Okay, in case I never mentioned it, or made it clear, I love America. LOVE. Everything about it. For your sake, its not worth getting into, trust me. But yeah. New friend; American at that. Her name is Reena, and she lives in New Jersey, which is just kinda below New York which, incidentally, is the focal point of my adoration for America. Oh, you're learning so much about me today, aren't ya? She goes to college there, and she is a Bio Major. She will eventually go to Med School and become a doctor. A doctor. You have no idea how it is for me to know her. I feel like she is already beyond me, on several levels. I mean, she is gonna be a doctor. What am I? As of yet, nothing. But heres the kicker - she has inspired me. Don't get me wrong, it was already in there, but I honestly have to give her more credit than anyone else, myself included.

I have had a dream for a couple years now, and that is to become a Psychiatrist. Okay, maybe its more a Psychologist. I just properly looked into it, and it seems that in order to actually become a Psychiatrist there is, among other things, a mandatory 13 years of medical training and studies to complete. Fuck. Thirteen years is more than half of my current lifespan. Jesus, thats hardcore. Anyway, whatever. A trained mental health expert. So, heres the thing: I have actually decided to try for it. Really try for it! And you might not think that means a lot. But for me, its insanely huge. I kinda don't think I can do it, but people I know say I can. Including Jersey. Oh, thats what I call her by the way. Cause she lives in New Jersey... yeah, Im a clever one.

So, the good and bad of it:

Good:
- I have some sort of direction to my life now, albeit a loose one for now.
- I am finally going for something I have wanted for a long time.
- I could finally show a lot of people just what Im capable of.

Bad:
- Well, it wont be easy to even get into such a course, and even once I do I still have all the work to do.
- The course wouldn't start until next year, and I cant even really apply for it for another three or four months, so its not as if I can go off tomorrow and start getting things going towards this goal.
- Its kind of a scary prospect for me. I just hope that my fear of never going anywhere severely overwhelms any fear that such a situation might present...

Okay, so there you have it. Some sort of a loose update to the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong, all sorts of things have happened, but a lot of them aren't interesting enough to be posted here, and of course there are the ones I am still trying to fully make sense of myself, so... I guess thats it for now.

And here I am, still acting as though I actually have people reading these ramblings of mine...

Its been a while. I know it. And if I had any people who read this, they would know it too. Earlier today I had to let something go, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Not making sense? It was something I desperately loved. Still not making complete sense? It was someone I desperately loved. Youre all clever, I bet you can figure it out. Go read my second post again, then try to join me in pretending the horrible irony isnt there.

I dont know if I want her to read this or not. Part of me does. Part of me really wants her to remain attached to me, if only in a kind of superficial sense. And part of me doesnt want her to read this post because Im certain it will make her feel horrible. Which, as she knows, is absolutely the last thing I want. I think she will read this. In fact I know she will, the only question is if its in the next few days or if its at some random point in the future that she thinks to check this to see what (if anything) I have updated it with. So its a moot point really, isnt it?

A question: at what point does loyalty become self destructive? Say you have a loved one (friend or family, it bears no consequence) who you are fiercely loyal to. A person who has you on their side irrespective of whether theyre in the right or wrong. A person who you cant help but want to protect, and not because theyre helpless, but just because you feel that you want to be able to keep as much misery out of their life as you can. What happens if this person starts to hurt you? Not intentionally mind you, thats the kicker. If they set out to consciously hurt you, then the situation is more black and white. But what happens if what theyre doing starts hurting you, starts really hurting you, and it isnt at all meant to. At what point does your loyalty to them have to fall to the side to make way for the basest of instincts; self preservation? Do you choose to stay with them, to help them out where you can, even if it hurts you along the way? Or do you have to look out for yourself and stand back from them?

That is no easy question. And there is no definitive answer. Of course the specifics of each situation would have an obvious and profound bearing, but its essentially the same irrespective of the who, what and why of it. At what point is it okay to choose yourself over another?

For me, it was today. I chose myself over her, and even now I question my choice. For months now I have done every single possible thing I have been able to for her. My loyalty has been absolute and unwavering. But recently (essentially between my last post and now) things have started to decline. Rapidly. There were times when I thought all was lost and there were brief moments when I told myself the corner had just been turned, and the bad times were now behind us. I was always wrong. And they were things that at their core were not big deals. There was a particular word she stopped saying. Whats the omission of a single word from ones vocabulary? Essentially, its nothing at all. But here, it was. Then she decided that she no longer saw us as she did, and we were no longer labled as we were. Again, whats in a name? How much of an impact can it have to longer be referred to as something? Well, possibly none. But within the context of a relationship, possibly everything. Of course, for me it was the latter. Saw that coming didnt you?

I have another one for you: how can you convince someone theyre making a huge mistake (well, two mistakes technically. Simultaneously no less.) if youre coming from a place that seems to imply huge bias on your part? If you know someone is doing something that isnt good for them, but it seems that any objections you might have come from a place of personal gain, how do you help them? Can you help them? Do you try in vain, potentially affecting the way you come across to them? Or do you stand back and let them make the mistake, having removed yourself from any associated blame or guilt in the process? You know what, I just realised that this is really the same question as earlier. Yourself, or another? My god, its almost like a riddle. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Who do you choose, yourself or the one(s) you love most?

My only hope is to get past the question itself (and its labarynthian set of possible answers) and try to accept, or at the very least tell myself, that the decision I made was the right one. That it was really the only one I could have made. I dont even know if I believe it though. Which in itself nullifies the process of convincing yourself you chose wisely.

Fuck me. Is there an end to this? I have not had a single second of peace since late wednesday night. And I dont mean in terms of noise or distraction, but rather my own exhaustive mental process. I have gone over and over every detail of every situation, and not only revelled in the sheer destructive force of it all, but attempted to find a way in which my actions (and inactions at times) brought about the current result. Psychologically, it could be argued that Im merely looking for a way in which to attach blame to myself, to put myself in a more comfortable (and, yes, darker) place. Im used to causing problems in my life. So maybe I just want to be able to be able to point the finger at myself and put every failure, minute or otherwise, on my own shoulders.

As an aside, I love my iPod. It gives a soundtrack to my life, one im in control of, and that is something that is always needed. Music is the real voice of emotion, whether you realise it or not.

So, yeah. I dont know where I am anymore. Essentially its back where I was about four months ago. Except I now have the knowledge and memories of a time happier than i thought I would have at this point in life. Memories that end in excruciating pain. And all I can think of is that I would give anything to relive those times. Or to have them play out anew, with things returning to the place they once occupied. I have no faith it will happen, because things like that are, I believe, things that dont happen to me. I dont get the luck that others do. Well, thats not true. Calling it luck is just cheap, and furthermore its weak. Its more that Im unwilling to go and create these things for myself. Part of me doesnt think I can. Part of me doesnt think I deserve them. And part of me is just plain afraid of failing. But to look back at what I had, even a mere few weeks ago, and you can see that things rarely happen as you see them to. Four months ago, I would have said with absolute certainty that the things Ive been through in the preceding few months would absolutely not have happened to me. And its not like I was trying, and expecting no results. Its more like I won the lottery without even buying a ticket. And I spent every second simultaneously being thankful for this turn of 'luck', and also dreading the seemingly inevitable day when it would be taken from me in much the same fashion as it was given; swiftly and conspicuously.

That day was wednesday. Unfortunately, I refused to see it as such. And if there was a possible question of it, thursday answered it in a resounding fashion. It was friday before I actually knew. And here we are. Friday night, saturday morning. Take your pick.

This has been somewhat cathartic for me, though honestly I wish it was reaching more people. Or any people, really. People completely outside of the situation. As it stands it feels too much like the running internal monologue I have had going since wednesday night. More like its simply me talking to me, still. Only putting it online as opposed to merely voicing it aloud.

I just dont know. How do I get more people to read this? I dont want to shamelessly link it on random forums or something, Im nowhere near that sad. But at the same time I do want more people to read this, if only a few. People who are maybe similar in age. Or not. I want input and reactions that are vastly counter to my own. I want a girls opinion. I want the reaction of someone from another country. I want the recallings of someone much older, who knows what it is to be hurt by love. But I also want to hear from people who are just like me. Who are maybe going through this now. Maybe they just recently had this happen to them. Maybe they think theyre a day or two away from their own version of this hell beginning. I dont necessarily believe my 'writing' is good enough to warrant an audience mind you, but I cant help but want one nonetheless.

Oh well. This has been a taste of what the last 48 hours have held for me. I didnt write this for empathy, mind you, just to be heard. Which is quite a big ask, really.

Hi again. I don't actually know who Im saying 'Hi' to, seeing as only 2 people I know have been told about this, so while I guess it's them, it still feels like Im trying to imagine a larger readership. Is that even a word? "Readership". Hmm, lets say it is. Readership, Noun; 'Ryans blog had little to no Readership.' There, its all official now. A real life word, just like the story of the little wooden boy.

Im still yet to decide exactly what role this blog will play for me. I figure I will keep posting and eventually find my own groove. I predict something of a diary, yet written for an audience, and much less self-indulgent than the average diary contents. Well, somewhat less self-indulgent.

So, I guess maybe some info on me? Im a 21 yr old guy who lives in South Australia. I have a gorgeous girlfriend named Rebecca, who I really love. She is the one I mentioned last time, she has her own blog. http://secretbloggariesofbec.blogspot.com/ You KNOW you wanna check it out. She is kinda insane, but sweeter than you can possibly imagine and oh so cute as well. I know, Im sounding like one of those guys, the ones who gush over their girlfriends all the time. I cant help it though, and if it makes any difference, you probably wont see too much of it here, because I do my best to control it. Not that I always can, but you know.

Yeah, that was a pretty shallow introduction of myself (especially considering the only things I really revealed about myself are things found in my profile. That and the fact they don't give you any insight WHATSOEVER into who I am), but like I said it isnt going to be where I just come one here and in a single entry just dump every detail of my life out there. I have to let it trickle out, need to have something to keep the readers coming back. Readers? I know, delusional. And if the mundane facts of my life are all I have to keep people enticed, then surely my blog is in for some lonely days in the future...

Are you excited? Well, you probably arent, and rightfully so. Its another blog. ANOTHER blog. Am I blazing a new trail? Hardly. Do I have stories to tell like none you have heard before? Afraid not. So, you are probably wondering, why should I be reading this? Honestly? Because you want to know me, or you want to know me better. Whether or not that is a worthwhile venture is all up to you.

Im not sure how attached I will become to this. Maybe I will grow tired of it within days and never ever return. Maybe it will become an obsession of mine, chronicling every minute event from my day to day life for all the world to (theoretically) read. Time will surely tell.

The reason I actually started this is that just today my girlfriend started one of her own, and she seems really excited by it. And for some reason the fact that she made one had me thinking about starting one of my own. Suddenly, the idea seemed extremely cathartic to me, being able to put myself out into the internet, but with a large degree of anonymity to sweeten the deal. So, here we are. Ryans World. Confessions of a Ryan. Hopefully it will turn into something that people will read and, dare I say it, even follow with some sort of regularity? Ah, one can dream...

Well, I think that about wraps it up for now. Admittedly as a first post it may lack something explosive or unique to hook the masses in, but you need to give me time. This is going to be a slow reveal of who I am, and certainly not a concise one.

Maybe you will come back next time, or maybe this post has told you enough to know that Im just not for you. Who knows? Well, you do, probably.

Anyway, thanks for reading (I assume SOMEONE has) and I will see you again. Or not.