Friday, April 14, 2006
The Bitter Pain of Release.
Its been a while. I know it. And if I had any people who read this, they would know it too. Earlier today I had to let something go, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Not making sense? It was something I desperately loved. Still not making complete sense? It was someone I desperately loved. Youre all clever, I bet you can figure it out. Go read my second post again, then try to join me in pretending the horrible irony isnt there.
I dont know if I want her to read this or not. Part of me does. Part of me really wants her to remain attached to me, if only in a kind of superficial sense. And part of me doesnt want her to read this post because Im certain it will make her feel horrible. Which, as she knows, is absolutely the last thing I want. I think she will read this. In fact I know she will, the only question is if its in the next few days or if its at some random point in the future that she thinks to check this to see what (if anything) I have updated it with. So its a moot point really, isnt it?
A question: at what point does loyalty become self destructive? Say you have a loved one (friend or family, it bears no consequence) who you are fiercely loyal to. A person who has you on their side irrespective of whether theyre in the right or wrong. A person who you cant help but want to protect, and not because theyre helpless, but just because you feel that you want to be able to keep as much misery out of their life as you can. What happens if this person starts to hurt you? Not intentionally mind you, thats the kicker. If they set out to consciously hurt you, then the situation is more black and white. But what happens if what theyre doing starts hurting you, starts really hurting you, and it isnt at all meant to. At what point does your loyalty to them have to fall to the side to make way for the basest of instincts; self preservation? Do you choose to stay with them, to help them out where you can, even if it hurts you along the way? Or do you have to look out for yourself and stand back from them?
That is no easy question. And there is no definitive answer. Of course the specifics of each situation would have an obvious and profound bearing, but its essentially the same irrespective of the who, what and why of it. At what point is it okay to choose yourself over another?
For me, it was today. I chose myself over her, and even now I question my choice. For months now I have done every single possible thing I have been able to for her. My loyalty has been absolute and unwavering. But recently (essentially between my last post and now) things have started to decline. Rapidly. There were times when I thought all was lost and there were brief moments when I told myself the corner had just been turned, and the bad times were now behind us. I was always wrong. And they were things that at their core were not big deals. There was a particular word she stopped saying. Whats the omission of a single word from ones vocabulary? Essentially, its nothing at all. But here, it was. Then she decided that she no longer saw us as she did, and we were no longer labled as we were. Again, whats in a name? How much of an impact can it have to longer be referred to as something? Well, possibly none. But within the context of a relationship, possibly everything. Of course, for me it was the latter. Saw that coming didnt you?
I have another one for you: how can you convince someone theyre making a huge mistake (well, two mistakes technically. Simultaneously no less.) if youre coming from a place that seems to imply huge bias on your part? If you know someone is doing something that isnt good for them, but it seems that any objections you might have come from a place of personal gain, how do you help them? Can you help them? Do you try in vain, potentially affecting the way you come across to them? Or do you stand back and let them make the mistake, having removed yourself from any associated blame or guilt in the process? You know what, I just realised that this is really the same question as earlier. Yourself, or another? My god, its almost like a riddle. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Who do you choose, yourself or the one(s) you love most?
My only hope is to get past the question itself (and its labarynthian set of possible answers) and try to accept, or at the very least tell myself, that the decision I made was the right one. That it was really the only one I could have made. I dont even know if I believe it though. Which in itself nullifies the process of convincing yourself you chose wisely.
Fuck me. Is there an end to this? I have not had a single second of peace since late wednesday night. And I dont mean in terms of noise or distraction, but rather my own exhaustive mental process. I have gone over and over every detail of every situation, and not only revelled in the sheer destructive force of it all, but attempted to find a way in which my actions (and inactions at times) brought about the current result. Psychologically, it could be argued that Im merely looking for a way in which to attach blame to myself, to put myself in a more comfortable (and, yes, darker) place. Im used to causing problems in my life. So maybe I just want to be able to be able to point the finger at myself and put every failure, minute or otherwise, on my own shoulders.
As an aside, I love my iPod. It gives a soundtrack to my life, one im in control of, and that is something that is always needed. Music is the real voice of emotion, whether you realise it or not.
So, yeah. I dont know where I am anymore. Essentially its back where I was about four months ago. Except I now have the knowledge and memories of a time happier than i thought I would have at this point in life. Memories that end in excruciating pain. And all I can think of is that I would give anything to relive those times. Or to have them play out anew, with things returning to the place they once occupied. I have no faith it will happen, because things like that are, I believe, things that dont happen to me. I dont get the luck that others do. Well, thats not true. Calling it luck is just cheap, and furthermore its weak. Its more that Im unwilling to go and create these things for myself. Part of me doesnt think I can. Part of me doesnt think I deserve them. And part of me is just plain afraid of failing. But to look back at what I had, even a mere few weeks ago, and you can see that things rarely happen as you see them to. Four months ago, I would have said with absolute certainty that the things Ive been through in the preceding few months would absolutely not have happened to me. And its not like I was trying, and expecting no results. Its more like I won the lottery without even buying a ticket. And I spent every second simultaneously being thankful for this turn of 'luck', and also dreading the seemingly inevitable day when it would be taken from me in much the same fashion as it was given; swiftly and conspicuously.
That day was wednesday. Unfortunately, I refused to see it as such. And if there was a possible question of it, thursday answered it in a resounding fashion. It was friday before I actually knew. And here we are. Friday night, saturday morning. Take your pick.
This has been somewhat cathartic for me, though honestly I wish it was reaching more people. Or any people, really. People completely outside of the situation. As it stands it feels too much like the running internal monologue I have had going since wednesday night. More like its simply me talking to me, still. Only putting it online as opposed to merely voicing it aloud.
I just dont know. How do I get more people to read this? I dont want to shamelessly link it on random forums or something, Im nowhere near that sad. But at the same time I do want more people to read this, if only a few. People who are maybe similar in age. Or not. I want input and reactions that are vastly counter to my own. I want a girls opinion. I want the reaction of someone from another country. I want the recallings of someone much older, who knows what it is to be hurt by love. But I also want to hear from people who are just like me. Who are maybe going through this now. Maybe they just recently had this happen to them. Maybe they think theyre a day or two away from their own version of this hell beginning. I dont necessarily believe my 'writing' is good enough to warrant an audience mind you, but I cant help but want one nonetheless.
Oh well. This has been a taste of what the last 48 hours have held for me. I didnt write this for empathy, mind you, just to be heard. Which is quite a big ask, really.
I dont know if I want her to read this or not. Part of me does. Part of me really wants her to remain attached to me, if only in a kind of superficial sense. And part of me doesnt want her to read this post because Im certain it will make her feel horrible. Which, as she knows, is absolutely the last thing I want. I think she will read this. In fact I know she will, the only question is if its in the next few days or if its at some random point in the future that she thinks to check this to see what (if anything) I have updated it with. So its a moot point really, isnt it?
A question: at what point does loyalty become self destructive? Say you have a loved one (friend or family, it bears no consequence) who you are fiercely loyal to. A person who has you on their side irrespective of whether theyre in the right or wrong. A person who you cant help but want to protect, and not because theyre helpless, but just because you feel that you want to be able to keep as much misery out of their life as you can. What happens if this person starts to hurt you? Not intentionally mind you, thats the kicker. If they set out to consciously hurt you, then the situation is more black and white. But what happens if what theyre doing starts hurting you, starts really hurting you, and it isnt at all meant to. At what point does your loyalty to them have to fall to the side to make way for the basest of instincts; self preservation? Do you choose to stay with them, to help them out where you can, even if it hurts you along the way? Or do you have to look out for yourself and stand back from them?
That is no easy question. And there is no definitive answer. Of course the specifics of each situation would have an obvious and profound bearing, but its essentially the same irrespective of the who, what and why of it. At what point is it okay to choose yourself over another?
For me, it was today. I chose myself over her, and even now I question my choice. For months now I have done every single possible thing I have been able to for her. My loyalty has been absolute and unwavering. But recently (essentially between my last post and now) things have started to decline. Rapidly. There were times when I thought all was lost and there were brief moments when I told myself the corner had just been turned, and the bad times were now behind us. I was always wrong. And they were things that at their core were not big deals. There was a particular word she stopped saying. Whats the omission of a single word from ones vocabulary? Essentially, its nothing at all. But here, it was. Then she decided that she no longer saw us as she did, and we were no longer labled as we were. Again, whats in a name? How much of an impact can it have to longer be referred to as something? Well, possibly none. But within the context of a relationship, possibly everything. Of course, for me it was the latter. Saw that coming didnt you?
I have another one for you: how can you convince someone theyre making a huge mistake (well, two mistakes technically. Simultaneously no less.) if youre coming from a place that seems to imply huge bias on your part? If you know someone is doing something that isnt good for them, but it seems that any objections you might have come from a place of personal gain, how do you help them? Can you help them? Do you try in vain, potentially affecting the way you come across to them? Or do you stand back and let them make the mistake, having removed yourself from any associated blame or guilt in the process? You know what, I just realised that this is really the same question as earlier. Yourself, or another? My god, its almost like a riddle. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Who do you choose, yourself or the one(s) you love most?
My only hope is to get past the question itself (and its labarynthian set of possible answers) and try to accept, or at the very least tell myself, that the decision I made was the right one. That it was really the only one I could have made. I dont even know if I believe it though. Which in itself nullifies the process of convincing yourself you chose wisely.
Fuck me. Is there an end to this? I have not had a single second of peace since late wednesday night. And I dont mean in terms of noise or distraction, but rather my own exhaustive mental process. I have gone over and over every detail of every situation, and not only revelled in the sheer destructive force of it all, but attempted to find a way in which my actions (and inactions at times) brought about the current result. Psychologically, it could be argued that Im merely looking for a way in which to attach blame to myself, to put myself in a more comfortable (and, yes, darker) place. Im used to causing problems in my life. So maybe I just want to be able to be able to point the finger at myself and put every failure, minute or otherwise, on my own shoulders.
As an aside, I love my iPod. It gives a soundtrack to my life, one im in control of, and that is something that is always needed. Music is the real voice of emotion, whether you realise it or not.
So, yeah. I dont know where I am anymore. Essentially its back where I was about four months ago. Except I now have the knowledge and memories of a time happier than i thought I would have at this point in life. Memories that end in excruciating pain. And all I can think of is that I would give anything to relive those times. Or to have them play out anew, with things returning to the place they once occupied. I have no faith it will happen, because things like that are, I believe, things that dont happen to me. I dont get the luck that others do. Well, thats not true. Calling it luck is just cheap, and furthermore its weak. Its more that Im unwilling to go and create these things for myself. Part of me doesnt think I can. Part of me doesnt think I deserve them. And part of me is just plain afraid of failing. But to look back at what I had, even a mere few weeks ago, and you can see that things rarely happen as you see them to. Four months ago, I would have said with absolute certainty that the things Ive been through in the preceding few months would absolutely not have happened to me. And its not like I was trying, and expecting no results. Its more like I won the lottery without even buying a ticket. And I spent every second simultaneously being thankful for this turn of 'luck', and also dreading the seemingly inevitable day when it would be taken from me in much the same fashion as it was given; swiftly and conspicuously.
That day was wednesday. Unfortunately, I refused to see it as such. And if there was a possible question of it, thursday answered it in a resounding fashion. It was friday before I actually knew. And here we are. Friday night, saturday morning. Take your pick.
This has been somewhat cathartic for me, though honestly I wish it was reaching more people. Or any people, really. People completely outside of the situation. As it stands it feels too much like the running internal monologue I have had going since wednesday night. More like its simply me talking to me, still. Only putting it online as opposed to merely voicing it aloud.
I just dont know. How do I get more people to read this? I dont want to shamelessly link it on random forums or something, Im nowhere near that sad. But at the same time I do want more people to read this, if only a few. People who are maybe similar in age. Or not. I want input and reactions that are vastly counter to my own. I want a girls opinion. I want the reaction of someone from another country. I want the recallings of someone much older, who knows what it is to be hurt by love. But I also want to hear from people who are just like me. Who are maybe going through this now. Maybe they just recently had this happen to them. Maybe they think theyre a day or two away from their own version of this hell beginning. I dont necessarily believe my 'writing' is good enough to warrant an audience mind you, but I cant help but want one nonetheless.
Oh well. This has been a taste of what the last 48 hours have held for me. I didnt write this for empathy, mind you, just to be heard. Which is quite a big ask, really.
